A Bit of Excess

I realize that two posts in one day may be deemed a bit excessive, but I was super excited about having my first follower and my new layout. Although I must say, Kelly is much cooler than even the springiest of layouts.

I have had a secret friend crush on Kelly for quite some time. What's a friend crush you ask? Good question. You know when you meet someone, and you know that they are infinitely cooler than you are, but you secretly hope they want to be your friend anyway. That is a friend crush, and you're never too old for them. In some cases it works out. I'm hoping this is the case with Kelly. That is if I haven't ruined it by airing my friendly crushed out state on the internet. In some cases it doesn't.

I've had high hopes for this particular friend crush from the beginning, but there have been some extenuating circumstances that have kept us apart. Kelly has been pretty sick lately which means the forums in which we would normally see each other have been closed off. So perhaps now we can be internet friends.

In truth, I have lots of friend crushes on people at my church, and I'm just getting to the point at which I feel comfortable enough to act upon them. It's been pretty well received so far, but again, I may have spoiled it all by putting all my weird friendship needs on the web. Oh well, my mother told me that people who blog are crazy, and like with most things my mother is right.

I'm also excited that after three days of antibiotics, I no longer want to claw my own ears off. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, it's pretty monumental. It's been hard for me to remember that love is not selective - not even with ears and hopefully not with friend crushes either.

You only need one . . . if he's the right one.

Books and movies based on books have completely ruined me for real men. It's sort of ridiculous the expectations I have. I want a man who is serious but funny, strong yet gentle, wise but still playful, manly while being sensitive. It's a lot to ask especially considering I am not one of those things. Well, maybe I'm sensitive, but I sometimes let those sensibilities get away from me.

I say all this because I have just watched the new BBC version of Sense and Sensibility. It was everything I could hope for in a romance. Plenty of swooning which led to plenty of being carried away like a damsel in distress. There was a duel, a man chopping wood in the rain, a secret engagement, several broken hearts, and of course, a happy ending.

I realize that books and movies are merely fancy. I get that real relationships are messy and require a good bit of work, but the truth is that at almost 26, I still haven't let these dreams go. A few posts ago, I mentioned that fact that I'm a commitment phob. I think it's because I'm always thinking that my own Austen-esque hero is lurking around the corner waiting to catch me if I swoon.

Is it silly? Of course, but I still love it. I love the thought of these types of heros who are good and strong. I like chivalry. I would LOVE for someone to fight a duel for me. In the end I wouldn't want him to kill anyone, though. He'd be too good for that. I would really love a man who wore a cravat. Face it ladies, cravats are hott!

My thought is that if I haven't meet a man who makes me want to give up these dreams, then I haven't found the right man yet. So, I'm going to hold on to my silly daydreams. I will continue to watch and read Pride and Prejudice (the Colin Firth version to be exact). I'll religiously watch Masterpiece Theater, and resign myself to the fact that cravats have gotten out of fashion. But I'll keep waiting for the one, and maybe if he's the right one, he'll even show up on horseback.

Cluttered

Romie and I have been on a MAJOR spring cleaning kick. I think it's partly because we are willing spring to stay for good and partly because we own a lot of crap. It's sort of insane how much two single people can accumulate, but accumulate we do. I cleaned out my closet for the second time in two weeks today. The first time I let go of things I knew I didn't use, but today I got serious and got rid of things that I held onto because I might use them.

I manned up today and faced the fact that I'll probably never use them, and that maybe someone else would. They'll go to a nice new home, and I'll have much more closet space - which I will NOT fill with more crap.

Anybody buy that? I didn't think so as I I don't really buy it myself. Oh well, a girl can have decluttered dreams.

However, all this purging has got me thinking. I feel like things are constantly rumbling around in my head. I don't know if you're anything like me, but my mind never seems to shut up. It's never just quiet and still. This is a blessing and curse because while I'm never bored, I'm also never completely rested.

In my thinking, I thought about the verse in Romans (Romans 12:2 to be exact) that talks about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. If I don't stop and kick out the random, useless, worrisome, and just plain silly stuff that rolls around in my head, can I really have a renewed mind? If I don't have a renewed mind, can I be completely transformed?

The truth is I don't think I can. The truth is also that I have no idea how to quiet the chaos that rolls around in head. Any thoughts or suggestions would be much appreciated.

What's in a blog name?

Which now leads me to the name of my blog. It comes from a line in a Waterdeep song. It says:

"And the joy when you restore me
I will stand and walk again
I will run into this world
I will call them to come in
But I will not point my finger
Or grow that wicked skin
They cannot remember
What I will not forget
How I broke You
How I'm broken"
- Put In Me by Waterdeep

I love this line. I love Waterdeep. I love music. I love the words that make up music, but I love these words in particular. I all the time remember how I'm broken, but this song reminds of the joy when He restores me. It's been my jam for the past week or so. Who knows what my next song will be?

I was talking with Romie (She's my roommate, but that's not a typo, for the purposes of this blog we're calling her Romie. It's to protect the guilty.) tonight, and how she doesn't really notice the words to songs. She can sing along to them, and can correct me when I sing them incorrectly. However, she doesn't think about the meaning of songs. I often ask her, "Is this song talking about X,Y, or Z?" Her response is always the same (not sure why I keep asking). She doesn't know.

I'm always thinking about what the words of songs mean. I sometimes think I synthesize the world in music. I think there may be a perfect song for every occasion. Happy, sad, angry, giddy, or discontent - there's a song for each one. There's a lyric that can sum it up perfectly. There's even a lyric that will name your blog.

Fits of Inspiration

I've been surrounded lately by a group of women who are following their ambitions. They're starting businesses and college and blogs. In truth, I am very much in awe of them. They have families and kids and crazy full-time jobs. Then here I am, no husband, no kids, one moderately stressful job, and I don't even really cook for myself. I felt a little aimless.

See, I'm a teacher. I teach Language Arts, and I'm always telling my students that they have a story to tell. They have something in them that is important to the world. I truly believe this, but somewhere in there, I forgot that I had a story to tell, too. I'm always doing things like that. I always believe things truly and deeply for others and not so much for myself.

In this realization I decided a blog might be a good spot for my story to begin. There came the debate of what to blog about. I mean, I have things to tell and say, but I'd like for them to all fit into some sort of cohesive category. I have plenty to write about my job, but as I'd like to keep it, I figured I'd better steer clear of that one. I refuse to cook my way through a cookbook because there's a lot that I don't want to have to eat or cook. I also refuse to drone on about my single state because in truth I don't mind being single. It affords me time to start a blog, and stay extra late at work if need be, and to work with the youth at church. I don't have to feel guilty about any of it. I just get to do it. That's some pretty amazing freedom. I'm also a commitment-phob, but we'll get to that latter.

Like all good writes, I digress, a lot. You'll have to get used to it. Anyway, back to the point. I still didn't have an idea as to what to write about. During my quandary, I started to notice some things. I was discovering all these truths about myself and what God truly thinks of me. As I made these discoveries, I realized again that I knew them for others, but I didn't accept them for myself. The crazy thing is that I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way. I think there are a lot of us who can believe God's mercy and grace for others and not for ourselves.

So, the purpose of this blog is two-fold. The first fold is rather selfish. It allows me the opportunity to work out some of the spiritual things I'm discovering and take a little time to reflect on the Love God has for me. The second fold is to share my story with others in hope that we can make some discoveries together. That we can be reminders that Truth is not simply for others who are more worthy or in need, but that Truth is for us.

There it is the whole selfish and glorious truth. This blog is a way for me to do life with others. It's a opportunity to cling to some of the things God is teaching me. It's the chance for me to tell my story - no matter what it might look like in the end.